BSN Just Made The Most Hardo Commercial Ever

by @SaintBrendan on October 23, 2014

67e9d1503d5ddf5a51dcad83b645383d

This is exactly what I envisioned when the football guys in my freshman year dorm suggested I buy when I first started lifting. I took three full scoops and felt like I could run through a wall, felt my muscle fibers tearing like strings popping off violin and I’ve been chasing the dragon ever since. Because what no one will tell you is that your first pre-workout rush is always the best one you’ll get. That being said, NO Explode is great but there is no way you’d take it to run through a desert or be the hot chick in the park doing that heavy rope thing. You can take it (and synthetic testosterone) to be that guy doing vicious curls and that’s about it. Oh, and if you want to shit your brains out. Toilet cloggers like you read about because NO Explode’s nasty little secret is that it’s packed with Arginine which will make you Dumpasaurus Rex.

But yeah, if you want to be the biggest hardo in the gym and your favorite member of the Fantastic 4 is The Thing, god bless ya.

Clem’s Casting Picks For Barstool Sports: The Movie

by @TheClemReport on October 21, 2014

bss

After Super Producer BC released his gigantic laundry list of characters for Barstool Sports: The Movie, I knew I had to list my casting decisions.  So I went to the PicTriev Face Search website to see what they had to say on the matter.  I then made my decision based on the results.  Here are my casting picks.  And please remember:

cast

El Pres 

PicTriev Says:

pres

Clem Picks: Federico Castelluccio just jumps off the screen at me.  He has the hair and the face for the part, and we can do something about the nose.  If he was able to add a heavy Italian accent as Furio in The Sopranos, he can transition to the accent of a Boston Blogger.  Get your pupcorn ready.

Kmarko

PicTriev Says:

kmarko

Clem Picks: There is not a lot of KMarko seen in front of the camera, so I think the top pick of Cody Longo should be fine.  

Feitelberg

PicTriev Says:

feits

Clem Picks: Lady Feitelberg, indeed.  The Feminine Meter is off the charts for Feits.  My #barstoolconfession is that I put up multiple pictures of Feitelberg in order to get a better set of results, but it always shot back 2-5 females.  One of the lists had Michael Rappaport as a possibility, so my answer is Young Michael Rappaport for Feits.  Think around the time Rappaport was Remy from Higher Learning.  Both looks-wise and racist-wise.  There would also be a role for Feitelberg in the movie, but he would be playing the role of his dog.

KFC

PicTriev Says:

kfc

Clem Picks: KFC came back from his honeymoon so he could be compared to Jeff Branson and Channing Tatum?  That’s not how his life goes.  I autocorrected PicTriev and went with Kevin Connolly.  You can follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport, as he will likely never let me blog for any of his sites again after that comment.

Big Cat (Early Barstool)

PicTriev Says:

bigcat1

Clem Picks: When Big Cat was just a kitten at The Stool, he had some life in his face.  So we are going to let the girls who actually see this movie get swooned by Nick Jonas playing the role of El Gato Pequeno.

Big Cat (Current)

PicTriev Says: 

bigcat2

Clem Picks: Again, I put in a billion different pictures to avoid having to use some random foreign actors for Big Cat.  But stache don’t lie.  If I had to pick one of these guys, I guess I would go with the surely wide range of Meka Skiranth.  But based on the picture of BC above, I am going to pick Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to play the pivotal role of El Gato Grande.

khalid-sheikh-mohammed

Smitty

PicTriev Says:

smitty

Clem Picks: More feminine numbers than I would have expected, but the game is the game.  I wanted to throw Billy Baldwin on screen, but instead I am going to go with Emmet from The Lego Movie.  The joke was going to be made anyway and he actually does kinda look like Smitty in the face/head.

Emmet_Minifig

Hank

PicTriev Says:

hank

Clem Picks: Damian Lewis is older than Hank, but he did a great job playing the role of someone who can withstand a ton of torture.  So Agent Brody is the pick.

UPDATE:  After Hank lost a digit due to a drone accident (sorry Handsome, but that sentence is hilarious), I think I have to recast Hank.  I hope Dustin can still bring it (by the way, Hook is a Top 50 rewatchable movie for me, no question).

Captain-Hook-Mustache

Nate

PicTriev Says:

nate

Clem Picks: Albert Reed kind of matches up facewise, but I am going to go with my gut and pick David Krumholtz.  Just a casting director’s 6th sense type of thing.

Trent

PicTriev Says:

trent

Clem Picks: That Martin Spanjers kid could pass as a young Trent if he shaved his head and threw on an Iowa hoodie or corn suit.

Mo

PicTriev Says:

mo

Clem Picks: I don’t care what PicTriev says (including that the picture of Usher being Jay-Z). Mo is Grey Worm.  Grey Worm is Mo. ‘Nuff said.

Grey_Warm

Sales Guy

PicTriev Says:

sales guy

Clem Picks: Sales Guy is usually somewhat of a mystery and a shadowy figure in the Barstool Universe.  But based on stories I have heard on The Rundown and KFC Radio, the guy loves creating mayhem.  So we have to cast the actor who plays Mayhem in those Allstate commercials, right?

allstate-mayhem

Neil

PicTriev Says:

neil

Clem Picks: I don’t remember much about Neil, but I feel like his voice/persona would be done perfectly by Colin Hanks.

Manzo

PicTriev Says:

manzo

Clem Picks: Manzo definitely has the face of multiple people you know, but you aren’t sure who that person is.  I guess I am going with Josh Kelley here.

Jenna Marbles

PicTriev Says:

jenna

Clem Picks: I could go with any actress, but we are going to have to sell tickets to this movie if we want to make some money.  So we will have to cast Jenna as herself so people go see the movie in the theaters.  I just hope we can afford her.

Kacie McDonnell

PicTriev Says:

kacee

Clem Picks: Similar to Jenna Marbles, we need Kacie to be in this movie, but for different reasons.  There is no woman in the world that compares to the perfection that is Kacie McDonnell.  She will be Miss Barstool forever and ever, regardless of what any future marriage license may say.

Rear Admiral

PicTriev Says:

costner

Clem Picks: I kinda like Rear Ads being played by a bearded, fire in the belly Kevin Costner.  Again, just a hunch thing like Joe Torre used to always have back for the late 90s Yankees.

Jerry Thornton

PicTriev Says:

jerry

Clem Picks: I don’t know who Stephen Daldry is, but I actually thought he was Jerry Thornton when the page loaded.  

Jay Cutler

PicTriev Says:

cutl

Clem Picks: I am sure some of these guys could fit the role fine.  But if there was ever someone needed to play the role of Jay Cutler, it would have to be Aaron Rodgers.  He is the kind of guy that would kill it on the screen like Brett Favre in Something About Mary.  Plus he owns Cutler and the Bears.  Rodgers even has experience acting like Jay with his Smoking Jay Cutler audibles.  

Random side note, if you Google “Jay Cutler” and go to images, you get a shit ton of body builder photos.  Either Jay’s wife Kristin has a PR firm that specializes in having your name/image appear on the internet when you want it to, or Jay Cutler the bodybuilder is a computer science genius that figured out Google’s algorithm and/or knows everything about SEO.

cut

Paul Lo Duca

PicTriev Says:

loduca

Clem Picks: Lo Duca = Brad Paisley.  Don’t ask me why, but it just feels right.

Logan Couture

PicTriev Says:

couture

Clem Picks: I am thinking a little outside the box and bringing in a former hockey player with acting experience.  Give me Cam Neely aka Seabass from Dumb and Dumber.  

FSU Lauren

PicTriev Says:

laurenfsu

Clem Picks: I will take whatever up-and-coming young brunette to play Lauren From FSU, but I need Vergara in the movie just for the titty scenes.

Anastasia Ashley

PicTriev Says:

anastasia

Clem Picks: They skewed a little old with the recommendations for Anastasia Ashley.  I would cast JoJo just because I can’t believe they have her in any kind of celeb database.  But we need Anastasia to be on set for the “Portnoy nose in butt” scene just because DAT ASSSSSS.

Weird Haircut Seth

PicTriev Says:

seth

Clem Picks: I let out an audible laugh when Tony La Russa popped up.  No idea why, but that was hilarious.  Anyway, Weird Haircut Seth will forever be the Barstool Shorts character to me.  So @StoolMilmore gets a movie animation credit for his resume.

seth1

Devlin

PicTriev Says:

dev

Clem Picks: Some solid choices up there for Devlin, but I am going to go with Charlie Day.  He would bring the heat on the big screen and be fun as fuck to party with on off-days.

Charlie_Day

Dante The Don

PicTriev Says:

dante

Clem Picks: Another gut call here.  I am thinking outside the box and giving a young athlete who loves the spotlight his first crack at acting.  Dante The Don will be played by Matt Harvey The Future Cy Young And World Series MVP Winner.

Matt-Harvey

Spags

PicTriev Says:

spags

Clem Picks: I don’t know much about Spags other than the fact that he loves USC, is hated by the commenters, and appreciates a good Twitter war.  I will give him Eric Balfour since he had the most points, which is apparently how Spags chose which teams were his favorite when he was a kid.

Nick

PicTriev Says:

nick1

Clem Picks: Similar to Weird Haircut Seth, Nick will forever be the cartoon character from Barstool Shorts.  I hope that character lives forever.

“I Fucking Hope So Too Dude”.

nick

Heath

PicTriev Says: 

af

Clem Picks: I don’t remember if there was ever a picture of Heath, or if Heath ever actually existed.  Maybe Nick told Pres there were two writers for LA so he could get double the pay for basically no work.  Anyway, I have no idea who to cast as Heath, other than the only living Heath I have ever heard of: Heath Shuler.

Heath-Shuler

Justin Bieber

PicTriev Says:

bieb

Clem Picks: I lost a little bit of faith when Bieber came in at 7% for himself, but that when he was stupid young Bieber instead of complete dickhead lesbian doppelganger Bieber.  Since Dante is attached to this project, we can probably get Miley to sign on to play Justin like she did on SNL.  Between her and Marbles, we’ve locked up the teenage girl demo.

Johnny Football

PicTriev Says:

manz

Clem Picks: Yikes, not a good look for Team Money there.  I always figured that the kid who played Dewey on Malcolm in the Middle probably looks like Johnny Football.  So I’d give him a call, I can’t imagine he’s very busy.

dewey-malcolm-in-middle-look-like-now-today11  

Milmore

PicTriev Says:

milmore

Clem Picks: I had to laugh that two legends in the animation game match up here (Trey Parker and Milmore).  I bet once Trey found out what Barstool was all about (if he didn’t already know), he would make Milmore his own South Park character.  So that’s what I am going with here.

milm

J-Mac

PicTriev Says:

jmac

Clem Picks: There are a few decent choices and one sad one (RIP Paul Walker), but I am going to go with Kwanc Tathtug just because.

White Sox Dave

PicTriev Says:

whitesox

Clem Picks: Not gonna lie, I am pretty confused and amazed with this bunch.  A few random Indians, a Japanese baseball legend, and Jaden fucking Smith.  But I’ll go with Chris O’Dowd.  A good dude that can do a midwestern accent.  

Gracie Tracy

PicTriev Says:

gracie

Clem Picks: Who didn’t crush on Rachael Leigh Cook back in the day?  Gracie Tracy has always been like the Barstool girl next door.  And she can get her start in the film industry by showing off dat ass in some booty stunt cameos.

JJ

PicTriev Says:

jj

Clem Picks: I met JJ last week at a bar in NYC and he was a gentleman that got me drunk after a long day in the Big Apple.  He went to school in Philly and loves baseball.  So I will do him the biggest solid you can do for a guy that fits that description.  I will have Tony Danza play him in a movie.

610

PicTriev Says:

610

Clem Picks: A self dubbed “average, everyday, hilarious, devastatingly handsome fan” of the Giants and Rangers.  That’s cool with me.  Jamie Bamber it is.

Click Here to submit your own casting decisions for Barstool Sports: The Movie.

If you want to read the tweets of guy who wrote an almost 2000 word blog about a fake movie, click the button below


The KFC Radio Saratoga Chips Review (It Gets Weird)

October 20, 2014

Rating: 9.0/10: It is pretty hard to mess up kettle cooked potato chips in my eyes, as they are clearly the kings of the potato chip family.  This chip has a solid crunch and isn’t too salty.  Cape Cod chips are still my #1, but Saratoga did a prettyyyyyy, prettyyyyyy, pretyyyyyyy good job with their […]

Read the full article →

Barstool: The Movie

October 14, 2014

This has been discussed every now and then on KFC Radio and MAILTIME, but now we are officially going to cast Barstool: The Movie. If the story of BarstoolSports made it to the big screen, who would you want to play each character? I also threw in a few people to make some cameos. You […]

Read the full article →

The KFC Radio Trolli Sour Watermelon Sharks Review

October 14, 2014

Rating: 8/10.  The best part of the candy is the texture.  It is the perfect mix of chewy and firm.  The sharks are also not sour and have a more subtle taste than most watermelon candies.  However, don’t get it twisted.  Sour Patch Watermelons are still the king of the watermelon candy game.  And maybe […]

Read the full article →

Well It Was A Good Run, World. Westchester, NY Doctors Monitoring Patient Showing Ebola Symptoms

October 8, 2014

Westchester News 12-  A patient at a Westchester hospital is being monitored for possible Ebola symptoms. Westchester County Executive Rob Astorino says the risk of the patient having Ebola is extremely low. “I don’t think they are even going to test for Ebola,” he said. Sources tell News 12 reporter Tara Rosenblum a patient was brought in last night […]

Read the full article →

The KFCRadio Starburst Fruity Slushies Review (As We Say Goodbye To An Old Friend)

October 7, 2014

Citrus Slush Rating: 7.75/10. Not 100% orange flavor, but still mostly orange.  You can live with this being the low flavor on the totem pole. Blue Raspberry Rush Rating: 5.75/10. Blue raspberry is the most overrated flavor in the history of flavors, with green apple finishing a close 2nd.  This flavor throws off the entire chemistry of the pack. […]

Read the full article →

Lost in the shuffle of the Oregon loss, was this guy

October 3, 2014

  Red Lightning set the tone for ball boys and that bar is only going to get higher, but seriously, relax a little bit, bruh. As if the Oregon jerseys weren’t vain enough, you don’t need to up the ante. – @SaintBrendan P.S. Remember when Roger Moore shagged MayDay? That was weird. Got the feeling […]

Read the full article →

The Advertising Mascot Death Match Tournament Champion

October 3, 2014

Well after millions thousands hundreds of votes were cast, we have ourselves a champion in the Advertising Mascot Death Match Tournament.  Mayhem AKA the Travis Durden of Madison Avenue took home the belt pretty convincingly.  Just looking at his run, he faced legit competition every round.  Brawny Man, Mr. Clean, Joe Camel, and Burger King […]

Read the full article →

I think Brian Scalabrine is making a comeback

October 2, 2014

And before you tell me this is fake (it’s not, here’s his Sqor page & his Facebook page) let it be known he’s spoofed stuff before, as in this past August when he said he was coming back to Boston to be an analyst: There’s literally nothing else on my mind but a come back. Scal is […]

Read the full article →