Guest post time!
Today we have a longtime Stoolie/KFC Radio-er who goes by the name of Saint Brendan (great name, btw). Saint B has been faithfully plugging away at his Barstool audition blog for a few months now, I’m sure Pres checks it everyday. While he’s waiting for his call up to the big leagues, I asked him to throw me some material every once in a while. Here is a story about a spiteful letter he sent to a young lady.
True story, in high school I had a smoke bomb go out with me a few times and then after a month or so, she basically was always too busy to hang out with. We’re talking Britney Spears in “One More Time” hot with the attitude of Denise Richards in Wild Things. Nobody said no to her.
Editors note: Internet law decrees that anytime “Wild Things” is mentioned you must provide link to threesome scene and/or pool scene. Strike 1, Saint Brendan. Here’s a GIF to try to make things right.
Anyways, after a few movie/mall dates the AIM was now always away, she had home work all the time, as well as family events every weekend. Eventually, her Myspace was covered with pictures of her and her new dude about 3 weeks later. Now granted we never really were a thing, but it was public knowledge we had gone out. A beachhead was established but the invasion hadn’t taken place yet. Devastated by this turn of events, I asked an elder relative for advice on the scenario. His plan was straight devious.
I wrote a letter (hand written) to her on a Wednesday. By Friday, it had for sure arrived at her house. It was a thank you card, literally one you’d send to your grandparents for sending you a savings bond on your birthday type card. I wrote,
“Hey Beth, I just wanted thank you for the time we had this past month. I really enjoyed getting to know you and it was so fun hanging out. It appears as though you’ve found someone else to be with and I wish you nothing but the best with them because you are such a good person. Anyways, thanks again! Sincerely, me.”
I got a call on Sunday from her friend essentially asking what I had wrote her, which I told her, to which I found out that she had locked herself in her room all weekend and was crying the entire time, even a weekend hunger strike. I would find out later that this would be the downfall of the guy she had started seeing and it also earned me the respect of her friend who I would go on to start seeing myself that summer.
So just remember, don’t bullshit a bullshitter, ladies. Just give us the straight reason that we’re not cutting it and guys, always flip the script, girls hate surprises like this.
Other excuses chicks try and what they really mean…
“I’ve really gotta be with my family this weekend for (insert reason)”
What this one says is that I’m going to retreat to my family compound because I know for a fact that they don’t know about you and never will. Also, this reasoning will not preclude her from coming back from my family event earlier than expected so you still might run into her in the area you both hang out around. When you get mad, she’ll have a tangible example to say you’re paranoid/stalking/etc. and thus cut all contact with you and be in the “right.”
“I’m really busy with work lately.”
Another classic cop out for chicks. What this excuse does is backs her up from getting any calls or texts during the day and if you interrupt that time, you’re an asshole and you’re fucking out. Also, expect a ton of “work afterparties” that you’re never going to get an invite to. She’d invite you to it but it’d be “awkward” and she’s probably going to be “really tired” and not able to meet up afterwards. Also, don’t expect her to leave early because she “really needs facetime with (generic middle management person) tonight.”
“My friend (insert 35 lbs overweight friend’s name) really needs me right now.”
Do not even try to navigate around this one because it will come back at you faster than you can say “Jimmy crack corn and she don’t care.” Her friend problem, she might not, but all you can do here is say, “Gosh that’s awful, you better help in any way you can” and then you run silent and you run deep. You will never win on this one because as soon as you start demanding time from her, you pit yourself (a guy she has doubts about) against a friend she’s known 100x longer than you. You lose that battle, my friend, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10.
So that was your boy Saint Brendan. Sounds like he gets shot down by chicks A LOT right? Been there bud, don’t worry about it. Tell him what you think on twitter and check out his blog.