Introducing Angelo Ardito: The OG Of Adult Video Clerks

by @TheClemReport on August 1, 2014

bookstore+owner+porn+shopb-a+adult+video+porn+brooklyn

NBC Oregon- Neighbors are angry over the way a Southeast Portland adult video store is advertising its business, believing it is way too visible to children.  “It’s a store that is basically advertising obscene and explicit content and it’s (inside a building that is) labeled a family book store,” said Matt McComas, who lives in the Brooklyn neighborhood with his wife and two young kids.

But above the window case is a poster advertising B-A Video, and explicitly listing the types of hardcore pornography it offers.  “The fact that there’s a children’s book in the front window and then a flier above it that’s advertising bestiality…they do not go in the same building,” said mother Jody McComas.

The owner of B-A Video disagreed.  “It’s my right for me to sell what’s legal,” said Angelo Ardito, who said he’s been selling porn in Portland for 38 years.  Asked what he thought about the possibility of a child seeing the word “bestiality” on his poster, Ardito replied, “They’ve got to learn sometime, you know?”

Wait, so kids don’t learn their ABCs by reading about Amateurs, Beastiality, and Compilations?  Have we gotten that soft as a country?  This is why the world is passing us by in education.

You may be creeped out by Ardito, but you have, have, HAVE to respect his swagger game.  The unbuttoned shirt and unkempt appearance say “I don’t care about the rules”, but the folded hands and walking stick say “I am a classy pornography magnate at heart”.  In fact, you can probably buy a “Creepy Adult Video Store Owner” costume from Ricky’s around halloween time and this is the exact outfit you will receive.  And this is just a hunch, but I guarantee he doesn’t need that stick for walking.  He probably just loves having something weird as an accessory like the Penguin and his umbrella.  That’s some legit super-villain shit right there.

As for the offense at hand, I guess hanging naked pictures in the window of a public store could be seen as poor taste.  Then again, you can see almost the same exact stuff if you are watching Telemundo at 11 am on a weekday.  Honestly, what’s the big deal with seeing a little nipple?  Angelo Ardito, American Hero*

*Just kidding, I can smell this guy from New York.  Angelo Ardito, American Scuzzball.

A Mets Fan’s Open Letter To Troy Tulowitzki

by @TheClemReport on July 31, 2014

 

 

Editor’s note: Got another guest blogger, Clem. Check him out on twitter @TheClemReport and his blog TheClemReport.com -@BrendanClancy


 

Dear Troy,

Hi, my name is Clem and I am a diehard Mets fan.  I am writing to you because I would really love it if you requested a trade out of Colorado.  If the owner and GM ask where you would like to go, tell them Flushing, Queens (it’s kind of a weird name, but you will get used to it).  I blog about sports and pop culture on my site The Clem Report.  If you ever wanted to get into blogging, you could be a guest writer on my blog.  We could talk about Game of Thrones and review all kinds of new foods and candies.

Anyway, I read on Wikipedia that you married your high school sweetheart.  Guess what?  I married my college sweetheart!  Maybe we could all go to the movies if/when you get traded here.  I always have a tough time deciding between getting popcorn or candy.  Maybe I could get popcorn, you could get candy, and we could share.  I also have a best friend named Rambo (he’s a hawk that lives in my yard).  He doesn’t speak English, but I bet he could be your best friend as well.  We could be known as The Three Amigos, which is Spanglish for The Three Friends.

This is a hawk that lives in my yard. I named him Rambo. He is my best friend.

I also read that you recently became a father and have a son named Taz.  I don’t have any children yet, but my wife and I would love to babysit if you ever needed a night out.  I was a fan of the Looney Tunes growing up and Taz was one of my favorite characters.  I even had a few of those Taz shirts that were two sided.  I don’t have them anymore, but I could buy one for you as a welcome present for when you get to New York.

taz

A lot of people downgrade your offensive numbers because you play in Colorado.  I can promise you that will not be the case if you come to the Mets.  Citi Field is, ummmm, different than Coors Field.  The Mets owners built a ballpark that was designed to neutralize our best player’s power alleys.  But don’t worry Troy, they can’t screw that up again (I think).  We also have a cool mascot named Mr. Met.  He is really nice and has a family as well.  All their heads are baseballs!  How cool is that?  I know the Rockies have a mascot named Dinger that is a triceratops.  If you have ever seen Jurassic Park, you know that once the electricity goes off, dinosaurs try to eat people.  Is that really the type of animal you would want near your growing family?  I wouldn’t trust a triceratops as far as I could throw it (which isn’t very far at all).

I know you have a lot of great memories in Colorado and feel loyal to the Rockies franchise, as well as their fans.  I happen to know what that feels like.  When I was in little league, I became great friends with my coaches, teammates, and their families.  Unfortunately in little league, you are forced to change teams every season.  But guess what?  You make a new set of friends with your new coaches, teammates, and their families.  So you end up with double the amount of friends after the season is over!

Also, I am not sure if you heard, but the Rockies messed up your t-shirt giveaway night by spelling your name wrong.  Considering how long you have been there and how good you have been, that is really messed up.  I can already spell your name with my eyes closed.  T-U-L-O-W-I-T-Z-K-I.  Editor’s note: His (my) eyes were really closed.
jersey

Finally Troy, I know Derek Jeter was your favorite player growing up.  But trust me, you do not want to go to the Yankees.  You will have to change your number and they won’t even put your last name on the back of your jersey.  Plus the Mets are going to be about 20 games better than the Yankees next year.  The Mets also have David Wright, who has been the best third baseman in the National League for the last 10 years and is a mix of Mickey Mouse and a boy scout.  You will love playing with him.

The ball is in your court, Tulo (I can call you that, right?).  All I can do is sit here and wait.  Give my best to your wife and Taz.  I hope to see you in New York soon!

Sincerely,

Clem

coke

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Oakland guy shoots another guy in the dick at TJ Maxx after stealing his phone

July 31, 2014

KRON 4 - An Oakland resident has been arrested in connection with a shooting at a T.J.Maxx store in San Francisco that occurred in June, San Francisco police said Monday. At approximately 9:20 p.m. on June 25th, police responded to the T.J.Maxx store on the 800 block of Harrison Street and found a victim suffering from a […]

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Marvel’s new Wolverine is a dude-chick from the Phillipines named James Howlett

July 31, 2014

Editor’s note: I’m not entirely sure this is real. Like I think your boy @SaintBrendan might have got JMac’d on this one. Is the SF Weekly a real thing? Are we sure this isn’t an Onion article? Did some research (one google search) and Wolverine is indeed going to die in the September comic though. -@BrendanClancy […]

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The ABC’s of Mailtime

July 30, 2014

Sign up for KFC Radio Premium and get an extra episode tomorrow

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Jeff Goldblum comes out of left field to marry chick 30 years younger than him

July 28, 2014

Jul 8 he proposed @ our fave #okstore. I was taken over by tears of joy n ecstasy! We picked the ring 2gether #inlove pic.twitter.com/UGNuiBysz1 — Emilie Livingston (@emchka) July 13, 2014 Celebrating our engagement! #haleakala #sunrise #jeffgoldblum #emilielivingston #soulmates #initforlife #love pic.twitter.com/tqXCd2OYIv — Emilie Livingston (@emchka) July 13, 2014 Marriage will find a way […]

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Kim/Kanye causing French black dudes to go after Arab chicks

July 28, 2014

Vice – Paris is burning, and it’s all Kim Kardashian’s fault. OK, that’s an overstatement, but the city’s suburbs have been torn apart lately because of Arab French girls who happen to date black guys and the Arab French bigots who slut-shame them for doing so.  The best part of this story, by far, is […]

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Would you rather have $4.3 million dollars tomorrow or be Johnny Football next year?

July 25, 2014

  Another guest post via your boy @SaintBrendan     Training camps are beginning all over the country this week, with players like Josh Gordon and Justin Blackmon already flaming out of next season and the league before a snap even happens. Some, such as 49ers NaVorro Bowman are placed on the PUP list from […]

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You’re The Worst might be an alright show

July 25, 2014

What follows are the only memorable parts of the 1st episode. But still.

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#MAILTIME with SiriusXM’s Sean Kilby

July 23, 2014

KFC reunites with Sean Kilby from SiriusXM to talk TV, spreadsheet sex and getting sniped by stoolie paparrazzi. Sean is also apparently a big fan of dropping the C-Word in bed. Click below to listen.

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