Good News: Frozen Is Getting Its Own Disney Ride. Bad News: The Ride Will Be In Shitty Epcot

by @TheClemReport on September 13, 2014

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Inside The Magic-  After much rumor and speculation, today Walt Disney World has announced and confirmed that a new “Frozen” ride is officially coming.

“I’m pleased to say that we’re starting construction at Walt Disney World Resort on a brand new ‘Frozen’ attraction at the Norway Pavilion in Epcot,” wrote Tom Staggs on the Disney Parks Blog. “The new attraction, which replaces Maelstrom, will take our guests to Arendelle and immerse them in many of their favorite moments and music from the film.”

Also included will be a new meet-and-greet for Anna and Elsa in Norway.

Talk about the ultimate “what do you want first, the good news or the bad news?” announcement.  The most popular Disney animated movie in years gets a ride in a Disney park, but said park is fucking Epcot.  Everyone knows that Epcot is the park for nerds and dickhead foodies.  At least there will be a couple of smokes dressed up as Elsa and Anna, so the glass is half full in that regard.

Now when it comes to the actual ride, as long as “Let It Go” is playing on loop, they really can’t go wrong.  Throw in the snowman and a couple Norwegian references and everyone should be happy.  But if the brainiacs at Epcot sink their teeth into it, the entire attraction will be about how water freezes at 32 degrees Farenheit and what the equivalent is at Celsius and Kelvin.  God I hate 75% of what Epcot stands for (the other 25% are the few fun rides and being able to drink around the world).

And finally, just for the record, here are the definitive rankings for the Disney World (AKA Florida) Parks:

1. Magic Kingdom: The GOAT. Space/Thunder/Splash Mountain as well as all the other classics.  The Megatron of the Disney parks.

2. Animal Kingdom: The new hotshot that is already better than the established veterans.  A zoo and a shitload of fun rides?  Sounds like a winner to me.  Animal Kingdom is the A.J. Green to Magic Kingdom’s Megatron.

3. Epcot: Obviously the preferred destination for the nerd herd.  Not much to say about Epcot that I didn’t already say.  But they do one thing very well (booze in the different countries) and you can’t take that away from them.  Epcot, you are Julian Edelman.

4. Hollywood Studios: Yes, I just wrote a scathing post on Epcot and it’s not even the worst park of the bunch.  Get your shit together and improve, Hollywood Studios.  Take your comparison to Rueben Randle like a man and be better (and that goes double for you, Rueben Randle).

Follow me on Twitter for more nonsensical sports and pop culture references/comparisons @TheClemReport

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