Hold on to your butts, here comes “Johnny Manziel: The Movie” (ESPN’s feature film about Johnny Football)

by @SaintBrendan on August 19, 2014

The Hollywood Reporter – On the heels of Johnny Football’s middle finger during Monday Night Football, industry sources have revealed that pending a successful rookie season, sources in Bristol are saying that a full feature film production is in the works about the former Heisman winner. Longtime New England film journalist Craig Hooper of the Malden Evening News says this really should not be surprising. “Even with the flop of Draft Day, actors and studios are excited that the NFL has opened up their licensing for film use…what better story to do right now than the story of Johnny Manziel?”

Granted, this of course is all pending the success of the young QB’s first year, some say that even without a good rookie year, the studios bidding for distribution would not be perturbed. “People want to know the real Johnny Football because they can’t get into the club,” J4 productions’ executive Regina Federico said in a call with the Hollywood Reporter, “so it’s almost as if the public wants to know the real story behind the TMZ or Instagram photos.”

So of course, I’m shocked by all this but in the end I really shouldn’t be surprised. Clearly ESPN is letting the success of the 30 for 30 franchise go to it’s head if they think they can package a movie together about something that’s currently happening. It’s so cocky and unheralded, it might actually work. Pure Emperor has no clothes situation but the sad part is I will see it and so won’t about a billion other people. The only thing we can speculate on is who these roles should go to. Not having a script, we don’t know who ESPN’s screenwriters will focus on, but I’ve got some casting choices that people might find agreeable. Or not. Let’s start off with the minor characters:

Kenny Powers’ half brother Casper as Mike Tirico

mike tirico rapping

Lewis Black as Ron Jaworski

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New Orleans Rapper Mannie Fresh as Tom Jackson

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The Walrus from Alice in Wonderland as Mike Ditka

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Lady Kluck as Chris Berman

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Alright, now that most of ESPN is done, what about the Browns?

Riddick (Chronicles of) as HC Mike Pettine

Mike Pettine 2014 Browns training camp

This kid as Browns owner Jimmy Haslam

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Sad Emoji as Brian Hoyer

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But what about his best friends? Got that casting down too:

The guy at the grocery store your Grandma describes as “Mexican..or Black…oh I dunno, I’m old” as Drake

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LeBron James as LeBron James (You’d think he’d allow himself to be played by anyone else?)

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What about the commish?

Jay Mohr as Roger Goodell

NFL Union Leader Says Players Don’t Trust Roger

But finally, who would play JFF? Who will get the role of a lifetime?

You. ESPN, taking it’s cue from the adult industry will make it POV and just have Johnny Manziel sound bytes cued up to make up his dialogue through out the movie. Pure genius because all this Manziel coverage is what it is: sports porn.

Follow me @SaintBrendan

 

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