I Want. No I Need. No I Neeeeed A Janimal.

by @TheClemReport on September 18, 2014

Well I just saw this commercial and my entire world has turned upside down.  A stuffed animal that turns into pajamas.   So you are telling me that I can snuggle with my best friend and then wear that best friend to bed?  Two words:  GAME CHANGER.

One thing I will say is that having the age range as 5-105 years old seems extremely shortsighted.  Imagine asking for one of these and getting the cold shoulder because you JUST turned 106.  What a cruel, cruel twist of fate.  But Janimals don’t make the rules, they just break them.  A stuffed animal and a set of pajamas?  That’s 1900’s shit, when the 106+ year-old crowd was pooping in their diapers (as babies not as geriatrics).  Like Darwin said, if you don’t watch out for evolution, it will run you over like a train*.

*Darwin probably never said that, but I bet he thought it all the time**

**He probably never thought it either, but I bet he never thought stuffed animals could evolve into a Janimal.  What an idiot

Anyway, we have to power rank the Janimal options here.  Quite an eclectic mix in the initial batch.

5. Cat.  Boooooooring. Just like real cats.  If you get the cat, you are destined to be the creepy cat lady in your neighborhood.  No ifs, ands, or maybes.  It also shows a SEVERE lack of imagination.  Fuck you if you buy the cat, plain and simple.


4. Zebra.  I understand wanting to incorporate some color into the Janimals, but the pink and black look is kind of played out.  If you aren’t going black and white, maybe you throw a blue zebra out there?  I am just not feeling this color combo.  A multicolored Zubaz Zebra would climb up these rankings escalator style.  I hope a Lion Janimal is created so he can eat all these basic Zebra Janimals.  


3. Dog.  Similar to the cat in terms of being an unoriginal house pet, but three things separate the dog from the cat.  

  • Dogs are SIGNIFICANTLY better than cats (this will not be debated)
  • The little pup is straight up adorable with his tongue sticking out
  • The kid in the picture sells the dog with his break dancing.  This kid could sell water to a well.


2. Giraffe.  Easily one of the best animals at any zoo.  Obviously it would be impossible to incorporate the long giraffe neck in the pajamas, but having the horns on the head more than makes up for it.  Would be a lock for number one on many lists, if it wasn’t for…


1. Unicorn.  If you didn’t secretly want to be a unicorn at some point of your life, I don’t even want to know you.  A magical creature with a horn coming out of it’s head?  Fuck.  Yes.  Is this unicorn pink and girly?  Sure.  But again, it is a MAGICAL CREATURE WITH A FUCKING HORN COMING OUT OF IT’S HEAD.  Number 1 with a bullet: The Unicorn Janimal.


PS- I just realized that Janimals only go up to size Large and you have to be under 5’6″ to wear them.  So apparently only children or functioning midgets can wear Janimals.  Janimals giveth and Janimals taketh away.  But that’s just how they roll.  The prettiest girl in school doesn’t need to worry about making more friends.  Same with a stuffed animal that turns into pajamas.


TL;DR- Janimals are the greatest things in the world unless you are a baby, a 106 year-old mummy, or a regular sized human.

For more hard-hitting analysis of the important things in life, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

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