Introducing The Product That Will Destroy The Caucasian Race: Pumpkin Spice Four Loko

by @TheClemReport on September 24, 2014


The only thing that white people love more than caffeine and pumpkin flavored foods/drinks is the occasional out of control blackout.  And now, thanks to the evil masterminds people at Four Loko, they can enjoy all three things at once.

Being a white person, this scares the living daylights out of me.  Because despite my hatred of all things pumpkin, sooner or later my DNA will take over and I will drink enough Pumpkin Spice Four Loko to make my heart explode.  However, there is one silver-lining to all of this.  There is not a group of people on Earth that loves trendy, pumpkin flavored beverages more than hipsters.  So at least I will have a few months to enjoy a hipsterless America before my genes get the best of me and I drink myself to an early grave.  This is going to be a “crack in the 80s” sized epidemic.  Be ready, people.

I wish I could tie in a quote from a shitty Wes Anderson movie to make this the whitest blog of all-time.  Luckily, I don’t have the “I Love Shitty Wes Anderson Movies” gene that most white people do, so you guys are on your own.  Make sure it is extra weird and unique to your own life experiences.  Fuck Wes Anderson.

Finally, if this was some sort of hoax played by Four Loko or Jimmy Kimmel, well done.  I am sure that Brooklyn bodegas have lines longer than the Apple Store right now, with hipsters waiting patiently for the first batch of this swill to arrive.

Follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport, unless you are a trendy hipster that disagrees with every word in this blog post.

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