Polish Ladies of the Night and Sexual Batting Averages

by Mick on August 30, 2013

It’s the Friday before Labor Day so I’m gonna try to keep this short. When you work at KFC Radio, life isn’t too hard. Go through pictures of smut, videos that make you laugh, jerk off, rinse and repeat. I’m writing this to you right now in just about the biggest scumbag outfit there is: No shirt and basketball shorts. I have not changed from waking up and it is 1:30pm. No I am not a pathetic loser; I have simply embraced the world of smut. Sure, most of you guys may read this in your khakis and button down shirts from Macy’s and judge but do not. For I am just like you, I am not an animal!

So I was listening to KFC’s latest episode of Mailtime, and he mentioned the Polish goblin whose life goal was to bang 100,000 guys. That’s right, 100,000 guys. Now, KFC and Puerto Rican Puff Daddy calculated the time that is necessary for this goal to be accomplished. She wants 20 minutes, which is a long time by any man’s standards. For all the hardos out there that are gonna come at me for this, stand down. 20 minutes is a goddamn marathon as far as I’m concerned. That’s just an unreasonable request lady. Who is this chick coming at these guys demanding that they last 20 minutes? I can’t imagine she has a line of men waiting to fill the request. Then again, it is sex and after a night at the bar who knows what some Polish bros are capable of.

polish chick

Anyway, I got to think what is your limit? What is your comfortable range of sexual partners that your future wife has had? How much dick is ok for you? Now, KFC says he don’t want no virgin. Doesn’t want a rookie on his wedding night and you know what I can respect that. Now, if it’s me I think I’d be ok if she’s a virgin. I’m not saying that I would prefer it but if she had ‘saved herself’ aka is afraid of sex, I wouldn’t mind. Why? Well, it would lessen the chance that she finds the sex as mediocre as my partners are used to and immediately contemplate divorce. Would I care that she wouldn’t know what she was doing? Doesn’t matter had sex. No time to be critical about it. This is also to say that no guy could make it through a relationship without sex, just doesn’t happen. So, I won’t be marrying a virgin. Does it have to happen immediately? No but eventually some Casbah rocking has to happen.

On the flip side, I would like to cap it at like 5. Five seems like a nice number because that means she’s not a whore but you know what she had the most normal experience. Having a girl with five dudes is like a .300 hitter. Perfect average. Oh and before everyone asks, I am NEVER asking my future wife the number. Only psychos do that, you are just setting yourself for disappointment. Why? Well, the day is gonna come where you’re inevitably gonna meet an ex-boyfriend or ‘Brad’ from her office. All you’re gonna be able to think about is the Mrs. Booking a trip to the meat locker. Of course you’re gonna think about this even if you didn’t ask but guess what now you have a fucking face to put on the whole scenario. It would just be a goddamn train wreck from start to finish.

@CSheeran7

@BrendanClancy

@KFCBarstool

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