Squat Surfers

by Mick on October 10, 2013

Ok, so a little back story for you guys here. I get up to take the morning dump at the office, usually at like 11 am and when I settle myself I pull out the iPhone for a little squat and surf. Check up on Facebook, twitter, the Stool, maybe a porn video or two on silent, just to keep myself occupied. Work dumps usually go by quicker than normal, give myself like 10-15 minutes to get the business done. Anyway, I’m in there the other day and after I’m done I walk out of my stall and as I’m putting the phone back in pocket, this lawyer looking douchebag gives me the stink eye. Whatever, fuck him I ignore it. He washes his hands and as I finish cleaning the grime off he turns and asks me “Do you use your iPhone in the bathroom?” I swear to God, this actually happened. So I reply “Yeah, why?” He goes “That’s pretty gross, you ever clean it at least?” Then he laughs to himself and walks out. I was stunned, literally floored. In my mind, I took this uptight Rob Kardashian looking motherfucker and stuffed his head in the toilet while I smashed his iPhone into nothing. However, I’m a non-confrontational Gandhi type so I brushed it off.

This begs the question though. I know for a FACT that I’m not alone. The comment section alone proves that with shit like “Gonna have to go to the corner stall with this one, God just when I thought I was done jacking off for the day.” So, what the fuck was with this guy? Are there seriously assholes out there that look down on us squat and surfers? If anyone out there reading this does not respect the squat and surf, fuck you. Oh and I know for a fact that this isn’t only dudes. There’s no way that girls don’t whip out their iPhones or whatever to check instagram or pinterest, whether or not they use this opportunity to take selfies is another story. That’s fucking gross, clean it up ladies. How is squat and surfing any different from reading the newspaper or a magazine?  Felt like I was being judged like Costanza in the bookstore. Surrounded by all this temptation on the Internet, it’s entrapment! This lawyer was clearly the Jerry in this exchange. Definitely doesn’t read in the bathroom, fucking weirdos.

It is absolutely mind-boggling that people don’t find the need to pass the time somehow. You’re going to tell me that you’d rather keep yourself focused on the gurgling noises of your digestive and excretory systems (science) than read that recap of the game last night? Or look at those pictures from Mardi Gras 2011? Get the fuck outta my face because you are lying.

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