Editor‘s note: Our resident meathead, Saint Brendan, decided to take a stab at one of the more pressing problems in today’s society: How can girls get more attention on social media? Now, I may be too old and too married for Tinder but the impression I get is that every chick gets 10 zillion hits and every guy swipes yes on 99% of chicks, but maybe this is an issue? Do girls need help getting guys attention on Tinder? No? Well too bad here is some advice anyway!
Based on the success of last month’s “Ladies Night” podcast and the fact that both KFC and Super Producer BC are now off the market, I figured I would take the time to help peel back the layers of bullshit that you ladies encounter on Tinder and better help you get yours. You see, we here at KFCradio understand the fact that you haven’t found your FIAT driving, Nature Box lean, diamond in the rough yet can be aggravating. Well don’t fear, the patron saint of single ladies is here to help. Here’s 5 tips and a bunch of other helpful suggestions to help you deal with less frustration on this wonderful application. Follow @SaintBrendan
1) Lead off with your best picture, your fastball
Ed. note: a close-up of a dude’s grundle, great choice. Awesome.
Set the tone. Some guys (read most) are only judging you off of the first picture they see of you when they come up. They’re not going to get into your bio or your other pictures, so you got one shot to really bring the heat. That being said, make sure it’s not a selfie and you’re not amongst other chicks because we’re just going to assume you’re the ugliest one in the crew. If you have to, crop it, but really just give us that first pitch strike.
2) Don’t have a bunch of selfies in your room/car alone
You think you look great but what this says is you don’t go out in public and have no friends. Accordingly, guys are basically gonna assume you just want a bang session and talk to you as such. One is okay, but more is not better and certainly don’t have it in your first few photos. Full length mirror shots are good great, but again don’t lead with it, put that in as a 5 hitter.
3) Don’t be wearing sunglasses in all your photos
You’re at the beach with your girls wearing aviators? Hot. Driving to work all dolled up with sunglasses on? Okay. More than 2 sunglasses pictures and I’m going to assume you got one eye planting corn and the other looking for rain. Multiple sunglasses pictures, especially selfies, just screams to me that your face is busted. Simple fixes here, girls. We can do this.
Ed. note: I can just picture St. B going on his 3rd date in a month with a cross eyed girl and finally swearing off sunglasses
4) Don’t try and be funny. Just don’t.
Yeah it might sound chauvinistic to say, but if we see 2 or 3 pictures of you acting like an idiot or doing some funny faces, all we see is some insecure chick. If you’re funny, just say “hey I can be pretty sarcastic” or “I like to joke around” in your bio and let us find out that you can make us laugh. That’s a decent ice breaker and give us an idea that you can take a joke when we message you. That being said, we’re not on Tinder to find Paula Poundstone. At least I’m not.
5) Say what you want to do. No really. Tell us.
I know this breaks with chick protocol, but really just be honest with you’re looking for. If you’re trying to get after it and have some rebound hook up, put it out there…I guarantee you’ll have a number of guys to pick from that you can then screen to your delight. Maybe you’re looking to test a dude out, maybe not take him home night one but maybe night two? Just say, “I’m down to meet someone new for a few drinks and we’ll see what happens.” No guy or friend of a guy is going to screenshot this stuff, our head(s) are moving too fast to really care about that shit. Even if you’re actually looking for some guy to date, that’s okay but don’t say “swipe left if you’re cruising for a hook up!” Screw you, bae. Recognize you’re on level playing field with us so why not be nice and not list a bunch of demands. That’s fine if you’re not down to throw down right away, just don’t make yourself out to be a bitch because guess what, we’re already onto the next chick. It’s about cutting through the bullshit, not creating more.
And now some quick pointers from some profiles I’ve encountered while researching this:
Put away the nose rings: the guys you’re looking for are not on this app. They’re baristas at Starbucks.
Hiking pictures? Nobody likes hiking, stop it.
Ed. note: no pics in you room and no pics outside
Don’t have band aids on your face: maybe use a different photo? Just a thought.
Snorkeling pictures: If you’re on the coral reef checking out fish I guess that’s cool but we’re really just looking to see how your body looks under water. Don’t put up a picture of you just sucking down compressed O2. Trust me on that one, no guy is going to go “Oh, she’s adventurous!”
If you’re mixed, tell us what you’re combo is: Bro’s love going, “Dude I matched up with this half German, half Chinese chick on Tinder….so hot.” Give us something to talk about to the other guys at the bar and it actually makes ya stand out. Otherwise we’re just going to be trying to guess what you are the entire time.
Ed. note: this is such a white dude comment
Instagram links: having a link to your IG profile is cool, just don’t make it private. Bitch move that makes us feel like a creep.
Don’t put your Myers-Briggs test results in your profile: I’d hook up with a chick way faster that says she’s an Aries mostly into Leos and Tauruses than some broad who’s an INFP into ESTJ’s.
If you’re a hot Asian chick and happen to be transgender, please refrain from waiting till the night of meeting a guy after three weeks of talking to him to disclose this: a guy I know told me this.
Ed. note: sounds like we need to hear about the time St. B went on a date with an Asian trans girl-boy
Hopefully these helped and you can hear more maybe later on a podcast. If you have questions for me, follow me @SaintBrendan and remember, lead off with your fastball:
Ed. note: sorry bruh, this is def your “fastball” now
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5Hll3yV9Wc]
